Deadly Marriage Sins...!
Congratulations! You have decided to tie the knot!
Take out the bubbly. After all, it is not every day that you have a wedding in the family, right?
You want to make it the best day ever in your life.
There's so much to be done -- buying your trousseau, accessories, jewellery, beauty treament, arrangements for the venue -- and you want it all to be just perfect.
Now, stop a minute. While your relations are all celebrating the good fun ahead, planning the rituals, and tying up loose ends, take a minute to read what grandma never warned you about: Life on the other side of marriage, Indian-style!
A bride has to live with that too!
Now that you have decided on your husband and said the all-important 'Yes', you will find that you are quite unnecessary -- sorry, inconsequential -- to the rest of the events playing out.
The Nanis and Auntyjis all have it pat: The rituals, ceremonies, what has to be given to whom and how much.
Meanwhile, the know-it-alls on the 'other side' have their own 'fundas', too.
To make life more interesting, they will have have rituals that will be somewhat different from your 'side'. And they will be enough to drive everyone in your family into a tizzy!
It doesn't matter how modern we are, how forward-looking we pride ourselves on being.
A marriage in the family is the one proof that we are throwback to the Dark Ages -- where the men and their families were right.
What do you do?
Relax. Take a deep breath. Learn to live with it. Smile. And say: Let them think what they want. You know better!
Then begins the bigger tug-of-war: The Venue.
This is when you will find that everyone has a mind of their own.
You do, too, of course. But you are just about to realise how inconsequential you really are.
First, it is a matter of checking out various venues.
Then you have to find out whether they are available for the dates you want.
Then comes the best part: Getting everyone's concurrence about the venue.
Oh, did we say everyone?
Let's take that back. Because by the time your parents are through with the entire exercise and getting the in-laws' approval, all you want to do is spare them the misery that your opinions will bring them.
What do you do?
Chill. Be happy you are getting married. And 'where' will pale in comparison.
Your plan: Spend the last few days of your singlehood with your family.
Everone's happy.
Reality: There are relatives springing out of the woodwork, everywhere you turn, under your foot, and even when you change.
So you decide to forget privacy.
Also, you have to coordinate pickups from the airports and railway stations.
Put up your extended family in the right places.
Caution: All this can lead to blow-ups of humungous proportions.
What do you do?
Keep the smile firmly on your face. Don't let go. It is your day. All else does not matter!
Here is one homily you will hear unfailingly: On your wedding day, act shy and demure. Never mind if you don't know what that means.
Here are some others: Take dainty steps. Keep the smile on your face. Don't let your guard down. You don't want Chachiji from the in-laws' side to feel you weren't pleased to meet her, would you?
You will that everyone who was happy to give you space and let you be, suddenly decides that you cannot be left alone.
There will be people everywhere you go. Guests who want to talk to you about your honeymoon plans or, better still, about your fiancé throwing up all over their Persian carpet when he was two years old.
All you want to do at this point is sit down and put up those aching feet. Or be gripped by a sudden desire to grab a smoke even if you were, till then, a card-carrying anti-tobacco campaigner.
What do you do?
Refrain from all and any thoughts of grabbing your soon-to-be spouse and making for the nearest registrar's office. There is just no escape!
Weddings are times of revelry.
They are also the time of discovery: That gorgeous wedding jewellery will feel like a mill around your neck, and that wedding sari wil feel like a ten-ton weight around your body.
Welcome to the world of dressing up.
If you are wearing a ghagra-choli, you will find the ghagra will pull at the waist and threaten to crash towards your feet in an unholy pile.
The dupatta, for its part, will compete weight-wise, making it difficult to keep your head covered -- a requisite in all weddings in north India.
You want to pull the dupatta back and risk looking undemure.
What do you do?
Grin. Bear it. Keep saying, only a few more hours. Then you can toss the wedding sari/ ghagra-choli, into your cupboard and not look at it for as long as you don't want to look at it.
While we are talking of dressing up, imagine getting all dressed up at those really unearthly hours.
The all-important mahurat dictates the length of your sleep or the lack of it.
With the beautician hurrying in to achieve that diva look, everyone will pay scant heed to your need to tuck in for a few more hours.
What do you do?
Be smart. Even though you are excited and all that, make sure you get plenty of rest in the days leading up to the wedding. You will have to run around, but plan your time well so that you will not need to do any last-minute chores.
After all is said and done, there is the food to be eaten.
Rich food that will, undoubtedly, settle on your hips forever and ever.
Here you are, dieting to look fabulous in that glorious wedding ensemble.
And when the big day arrives, the caterer's goodies arrive too.
There is oil or ghee in every dish. The food is yummy. And your relatives will pile your plate high with every item there is on the menu.
They will also make sure you eat all of it.
What do you do?
Again, plan well. Diet and work out in the months leading to your wedding.
Eat small portions and be firm when you are done. You are the bride. You are allowed to throw your weight around!
So remember to smile for the photographs and appear interested in every snotty-nosed kid who wishes you at the reception.
~ Bow to every Chachiji and Dadiji, who will offer you sage advice.
~ You will get more kisses from acquaintances than ever before.
~ But, above all, it is your wedding. Take it with a load of laughs.
Have a blast!
