The Six Key Steps to Healthy Finances in Your Relationship

If you've ever been in a relationship for very long, especially if you were married or living together, I can almost guarantee that you've had a money fight.

One of the biggest causes of problems in relationships is differences in values and goals and habits when it comes to money, and especially communication about money issues.

Money can't buy you love, but it sure can tear it apart.

And while I can't claim that my wife and I are perfect when it comes to money and relationships, I can say that we've come a long way, and we rarely ever have money disagreements anymore. It wasn't always that way, and we've had our share of fights along the way, but we're in a much more solid relationship these days because we learned how to talk about money, and how to align our financial goals.

That's the crux of this post, in two simple steps: learn how to talk about money, and learn to align your financial goals. If you can do those two things, you've done more than most couples, and you've done a lot to keep your relationship on solid ground.

1. Sit down and talk about financial goals and values. Many couples often neglect this step, even if it seems obvious and common-sensical. But because talking about finances can be uncomfortable, they leave these important things unsaid, and often don't even think about it individually. They have goals and values when it comes to money, but they're not examined. That's a mistake, as one person might want to be frugal in order to save for future goals, while the other might like to spend and enjoy things now, while the getting is good. The differences often come from different upbringings, and they can be emotionally charged (see next step for more on this). It doesn't have to be difficult, though. Just tell your partner you'd like to sit down and have a talk about the future — what your goals are and how you can work together, as a team, to achieve them. In the beginning, just start spitting out different things each of you wants — a house, kids, college education for the kids, a healthy emergency fund, nice cars, travel each year, nice clothes, gadgets and computers, etc. Then start to prioritize, and see if you can come up with things in common. If you want different things, it is important that you talk about why, and consider the other person's desires. If that's what makes the other person happy, you should want to make them happy — that's the basis of a good relationship. But relationships aren't one-sided, either, so you should be able to be happy too. The point is that both sides should be considered, and you should look for a win-win solution or compromise so that you can both be happy. It might take a few meetings to get to actual written goals, with a timeframe for each, but that's where you want to be eventually.
2. Remove emotions from financial talk. From your first meetings about financial goals to your subsequent weekly talks (see Step 5), it's important that the two of you stay calm, don't get hurt or angry over any of the issues, and try to look at these issues objectively. Often financial issues are tied up in all kinds of emotional issues, stemming from childhood, from issues of security to feeling like your way is better to feeling hurt if your way of spending is criticized in any way, and much more. These emotional issues are all tangled together with financial issues, and it's important that you untangle them and just deal with financial goals and habits. First, don't use emotional, accusatory, or inflammatory language. Don't blame the other person or even be negatively critical. Simply talk about your financial goals, developing a plan for getting to those goals, developing a system for dealing with finances, and so forth. Also try not to feel like you're under attack if the other person talks about your goals or habits — let this be an open discussion, and if you feel under attack, stop and take a breath and remember that this isn't a discussion about you personally but about how the two of you are going to meet your goals. Again, think of this as a team effort, not as a you-vs-me effort.
3. Come up with a plan to meet your goals. Once you're able to come up with common financial goals (a huge step — celebrate!), you need a plan to get you there. This will take into account your joint income, your debt, your savings, how much you can put towards debt and/or saving each month, whether you want to cut back on certain things in order to meet your savings goals, how long you want to give yourself to meet financial goals, and so forth. Start by having a definite timeframe for each goal, and then figure out how much you need to save (or pay towards debt) each month to get to your goals. Create a spending plan (if you haven't yet) for each month, and see if you can adjust it to meet that monthly goal. You might need to cut back on some things, or earn extra income, or both. Or you might discover that your goals aren't realistic and you need to cut back on them, reprioritize, or push them back a bit in order to meet them. This plan to meet your goals is how you will align your daily and monthly spending with your long-term goals. It's also a great way to resolve minor short-term disputes — you should definitely buy fewer shoes, and I should buy fewer video games, so we can buy that house in three years and travel to Europe in two years.
4. Develop a system for finances that works for both of you. In order to put your financial plan into action, you'll need to figure out how you're going to pay your bills, pay debt, deposit into savings, have money for various spending needs (like gas and groceries and eating out), and so forth. Someone will have to take responsibility for each part of the system (it's better if you're both involved, but you should find what works best for you as a couple). One person might go to the bank while the other updates your financial program (like Quicken or Money) or your checking register to make sure you're in balance, for example.
5. Have weekly financial meetings. This is very important, and it's a step that many couples overlook. Just because you have common financial goals and a plan and a system doesn't mean that everything is fine. If one person takes responsibility for the finances, for example, and the other is out of the loop, then there will likely be problems down the road. I've known several couples like this — one partner took care of the finances and the other was blissfully ignorant … until it was revealed that they were way behind on payments and would soon have to file for bankruptcy. That wasn't a good time in their relationship. To prevent problems like this, have a weekly meeting where you sit down and talk about finances. You can review your accounts, your spending plan, what is coming up in the next few weeks that you'll need to budget for, any problem areas, what to do with your annual bonus, where you are with your goals, and so forth. Make sure you're both caught up on everything, and that you're working well as a team.
6. Above all, stay positive and be honest. Remember: you're a team. You have the same goals and you want each other to be happy. Team members can help each other out and encourage each other, or they can rip the team apart by being negative, by blaming, by working against common goals. If you always stay positive, you'll succeed as a team. Be encouraging, stay focused on solutions not blame, and make sure love is the foundation of everything you do.

"We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs." -Gloria Steinem

Source- Zenhabits

Living the Prolific Life: A How-to Guide

Living the Prolific Life: A How-to Guide Editor's note: This is a guest post from Clay Collins of The Growing Life. Pro·lif·ic (\prə-li-fik\) : Marked by abundant inventiveness or productivity. –Merriam Webster Online The prolific life has been characterized by abundant inventiveness and limitless creativity. Prolificacy has also been unnecessarily enshrouded in a veil of mystery and the sources of artistic inventiveness are too often viewed as out-of-reach for the average person. Perhaps it's for this reason that artistic inspiration has frequently been attributed to muses, the channeling of spirits, beelzebub, etc. In spite of perceptions surrounding prolific creativity, there are several documented commonalities that consistently appear in the lives of prolific people. Indeed, the psychological literature has some definite insights into commonalities of the prolific. My investigation into this literature has yielded these . . . 7 Common Characteristics of Prolific People Highly prolific people tend to: Be firmly settled in their creative identities. Prolific artists don't question their artistic identities. They own the title of artist, writer, musician, etc. This might seem like a no-brainer, but it's important. Prolific people aren't shy about what they do, or about their love of art. When they have corporate jobs they tend to view themselves as writers with desk jobs rather than a corporate employees who also write. Operate from a bedrock of stability. Despite the stereotypical image of the mercurial and whimsical artist, most highly prolific people have managed to pin down a lot of variables in their life; they aren't constantly rearranging the logistics of life and reconfiguring their life situations. As a result, they can bring their full attention to bear upon the creation process. Get "adopted" early by mentors or sponsors. Prolific artists tend of have received significant artistic mentorships at the beginning of their creative careers. Get an early start: Prolific artists tend of have developed the rapid production habit early in their careers. They tend to have developed the production habit very shortly after beginning their artistic endeavors. Be well adjusted. Prolific people tend to be sensitive, confident, open-minded, curious, intellectually flexible, willing to work very hard, and have a sense of humor. Have a habit of writing. Highly prolific people tend to work even when they're not inspired. They've developed the production habit. Intrinsic interest. Prolific people are intrinsically motivated, almost without exception. They love their work and, in general, would do it (in some form or another) even if it paid much less or not at all. [Note: Not all of these characteristics are present among all prolific people. These characteristics simply appear at a high frequency among prolific persons]. With these characteristics in mind, here are some tips for developing a prolific life: Ruthlessly guard your mind. Prolific people often purposefully take on mindless jobs because it allows them to devote their thoughts entirely to art. Prolific people own their own minds, and they're often found stocking shelves or parking cars, but all the while scribbling down notes during every free moment. They manage to engineer situations that allow their minds to be constantly creative even when they're not actively producing art. (People who engage in cognitively taxing jobs are often too mentally exhausted at the end of the day to be creative). Unabashedly take on your artistic identity. As Leo said in an earlier post, don't be afraid to call yourself an artist. Can you imagine a prolific artist who's afraid to claim an artistic identity? I can't. Don't be timid about telling yourself and others what you do. If you create art, then you're an artist. The dedication and seriousness required to consistently produce inspired art requires a singularity of purpose that can't be present unless you've come to own your own creativity. Realize the gestation period of creative ideas. Prolific people might be producing at regular intervals, but the gestation period for their "products" is often long. You must be giving birth to a steady stream of new ideas in order for those ideas to bear fruit in a year or two down the road. Realize that prolific people don't always have a shortened creative cycle; they often just have more creative cycles going on simultaneously. Keep your creative inertia going. Do whatever it takes to make sure that your creative inertia doesn't die. Require small outputs from yourself on a frequent basis and make artistic production a habit. Once you've strengthened this habit the floodgates of creativity are likely to open. One prolific writer I know has a timer that goes off every 40 minutes; with each alarm he writes down an idea. Create stability where it counts. If you're moving all the time and changing your life situation, the single-minded focus required for prolific output can be hard to obtain. Take care of as many external variables as possible in order to allow you to focus on your art. Attend to your mental and physical health. While there are some very visible cases of clinically insane but nevertheless prolific people, these people are the exception rather than the rule. Less stress = greater prolificacy. Get adopted by a mentor. Leverage any and all angles or opportunities available to find a mentor who's done what you want to do. If you want to be a bestselling non-fiction author then don't talk to the convenience store clerk, talk to a bestselling non-fiction author. Clay Collins blogs at The Growing Life and is the author of Quitting Things and Flakiness: The #1 Productivity Anti-Hack and The James Dean Guide to Being a Body Language Bad*ss. — If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I'd appreciate it. :)

Donts on Valentines' Day

Donts on Valentines' Day

Oh, it's so romantic!

Love, love, love everywhere.

You can indulge all you want in togetherness and romance!

But here's a suggestion: when planning for the big day this year, keep these tips in mind so you can celebrate with the right spirit.

No red overkill, please! Restaurants, shop windows, wrapping paper, chocolate boxes, balloons, teddy bears, cushions covers... almost everything will be coloured red. Unless you want to blend into the furniture, skip the colour. Stand out instead. Experiment with other colours of passion like blue and royal purple.

Don't gloat to single friends We know you will have a whale of a time with your partner.

But subjecting your single, footloose and fancy-free friends to incessant banter about how special your day will be, how many gifts you will receive, how many kisses you will steal and how lucky you feel to be seeing someone so wonderful is a no-no! Your friends will listen patiently for the first 10 minutes.

After that, you may hear less of them. So keep it short and sweet.

Don't steal! Believe it or not, couples do it because they want to come away with a little Valentine's Day memento.

Says 19-year old Lorraine Dias, who is currently studying law, "My friend Joanne is extra mushy. She and her boyfriend shared a candlelight dinner last year. After the meal, she made him slip her wine glass, which carried her lipstick mark into his pocket. The poor chap was supposed to keep it by his bedside and think of her before he went to bed. Yuck!"

No buying monster-size cards that scream, '1001 Reasons Why I Love You'! We wouldn't want you lying to your sweetheart now, would we?

Besides, it will sport a garish design and it is very uncool to be loud this Valentine season.

Instead, buy a regular card and write something from your heart.

Words that spring forth spontaneously have so much more meaning and lend such a warm personal touch. Try poetry or a limerick, if you're any good at them. As long as it comes straight from the heart, it'll work.

No gifting a dozen red roses! Too predictable!

Besides, the prices of roses will skyrocket on V-day, leaving you that much poorer!

Instead, says florist Sania Abid, "If your beau is vibrant and fun, go for African daisies or chrysanthemums in bright colours. And if s/he likes it mellow, orchids are just perfect."

This Valentine's, make it extra special by being spontaneous and staying away from the predictable!

Five Ways to Cope When Your Child Returns to the Nest

Five Ways to Cope When Your Child Returns to the Nest

Editor's note: This is a guest post from Alex Blackwell, who writes about creating success and happiness for the rest of your life at The Next 45 Years.

Final exams at Kansas University are only a few weeks away. My daughter, Caitlin, has been working very hard and will successfully complete her freshmen year in very good academic standing. Caitlin has learned a lot about being on her own and other important life skills, too.

However, she has already informed her mother and me her car will be packed and she will be ready to pull out of Lawrence, Kansas and head back home as soon as she completes her last exam.

While Mary Beth and I are looking forward to spending the summer with our daughter, we just hope her return to the nest will be equally successful.

In anticipation of her return home, my wife and I have been discussing how to embrace this change to our routine. We want the next few months to be happy and productive ones for the sake of the entire family. We have settled on these five ways to cope when our daughter comes home, again. I hope you will find these useful too:

1. Establish Some Ground Rules. The first place to start is with establishing, and communicating, the house rules have not gone away, even though Caitlin has been away from the house for the past 10 months. Things like curfew times, noise levels, keeping up with assigned household chores and friends coming over will all be redefined and enforced.

Being part of a family is a privilege. The ability to enjoy a comfortable home, food in the fridge, cable television and a computer with a fast Internet connection all come with responsibilities. The most fundamental of these responsibilities is to be accountable and to follow the family-approved rules. No one is exempt for these and there are no exceptions.

2. Set Boundaries. I have resigned myself to the fact that the peace and quiet Mary Beth and have enjoyed since last August will be interrupted over the summer months. This is not an indictment or criticism about Caitlin's behavior; it's just being honest to say our house has a lot more energy in it when our daughter is here.

With that said, my wife and I still have a right to privacy and to our personal space. It's important for all of us to have some personal space to retreat to when the need arises.

3. Caitlin's Contributions. In addition to respecting the house rules, there is also an expectation our daughter will contribute to the family in other ways, too. Helping with dinner, getting Emily, our younger daughter, to and from where she needs to go, and pitching in with the laundry will all be expected contributions.

When children return home, they should not be considered as invited guests, but as fully engaged and productive members of the family. Their contributions, however, are not limited to how they can help their parents; their presence, spirit and love are all valuable contributions as well.

4. Cultivate an Adult Relationship. It's very fulfilling watching our children grow up and grow in to becoming mature and responsible adults. An expectation Catlin may have this summer is to be treated as an adult – I can't wait to meet her expectation.

We invest some much time and effort in our children when they are young. This investment yields very, very favorable returns when we get to experience them as adults.

The years of reading bedtime stories and believing in Santa Claus are indeed magical. The time spent talking about who should win the next presidential election over a cold beer can be just as delightful. Gradually, and without much notice, our children become our friends.

I'm looking forward to finding out more about the reasons behind Caitlin's choice for president. I'm looking forward to nurturing an adult relationship with my daughter this summer.

5. Create an Exit Strategy. As the August days begin to get shorter, so will our time with Caitlin. With every homecoming, there is also a farewell.

When my daughter pulls up into the driveway in a couple of weeks, no one will be thinking about the day she will need to back out and head for Lawrence. It will be important to drop-in reminders of the inevitable departure along the way.

Within a few days of her return home, we will quickly develop a new routine and grow accustomed to her new-found presence in the house. We will also need to help transition her back to her college life.

Shopping for new items for her apartment, gradually giving her more autonomy as the summer wanes into the fall, and planning the Thanksgiving holiday details when we will unite as a family again, are all things we can do to help with the transition from the nest and back into her independence.

Thomas Wolfe may suggest "you can't go home again," but you can welcome your child home again and begin building a new relationship that can be sustained for the rest of your lives together.

Read more from Alex Blackwell at his blog, The Next 45 Years.

 

Internet Dating - Its Not For Geeks

Internet Dating - Its Not For Geeks

Six months ago an old school friend and I were chatting over coffee, putting the world to rights as women do. She was bemoaning her lack of success in meeting the "right sort" of men. I asked her if she had tried using an internet dating service, and the look of horror that quickly appeared on her face gave the instant answer ? of course not! Internet dating, she informed me, was for the sad, desperate, geeky or freaky.

Sadly this type of response is typical of people from all walks of life. Why sadly? Because those who instantly dismiss such services are missing out on a great opportunity.

The traditional argument for not using the internet to meet someone is that it is not natural. So what is natural? Where have people traditionally met their husbands, wives, lovers, and friends? Statistically, over the past 50 years the most common place for meeting ones spouse has been the workplace. This is hardly surprising given the ever increasing amounts of time most people are finding themselves working. Other common meeting places include bars, nightclubs, and parties, and some lucky few meet their lifetime partner early in life at college or university. However, the workplace remains number one for long term relationships. The reason for this is simple; lasting long term relationships are usually born out of robust friendships, and strong friendships form over time. Spend eight hours a day five days a week with the same people and you will get to know them very well. It is not uncommon in the modern world to spend more time with your colleagues than with your family, an unfortunate but true fact of life.

The increasing amounts of time we as a society are spending working is leaving less time to spend in social environments outside of the office, which means less opportunity to meet new people. So if you don't meet someone at work, where else is there? Enter the dating agency.

Dating agencies are not a new idea, they have been around a very long time. The internet has simply served as a new medium for bringing people together in a tried and tested way that agencies have used for years. However, it offers some unique advantages for those seeking a partner. Firstly it has lowered the cost of running a dating service, and that means agency dating has been opened up to a much wider audience. Secondly, it has broken down geographical barriers in a way that off-line agencies could never hope to. This is an important point because not everyone is looking for their future husband or wife on their doorstep. Indeed not everyone is looking for a future husband or wife; the explosion in internet dating has made it easier than ever to find new friends and correspondents across the globe.

These two points mean that some of the bigger agency sites now have in excess of three million members, and literally thousands of new members joining every day. With that many people, if you are serious about finding a partner, lover, or a friend, then the internet is simply too big a resource to ignore. And 'net dating is safe too; there is no need to exchange real names or even email addresses until you feel you know someone well enough. All the services allow you to block unwanted communication and so there is no fear of being pestered. Used sensibly, internet dating can be safer than almost any other way of meeting people.

The internet has revolutionised the way we work, shop, conduct our financial affairs, and entertain ourselves. To use it as a medium for meeting new people is a logical step in our fast changing world.

After that chat six months ago I convinced my friend to post a profile on a dating site, she didn't even have to pay anything to do so unless she wanted to start sending messages to other people. Now I never see her because she is spending all of her time with her new man. She didn't find him in five minutes like some of the sales pitches would like you to believe, but then six months ago she didn't expect to find him at all

How To Choose a Dating Service

How To Choose a Dating Service

There are so many dating sites out there, hundreds if not thousands, how do you even begin to decide where to register and start your online dating experience?

You could just pick one at random, create a profile, and sit back and wait for the other members to beat a path to your email inbox. Who knows, you could get lucky and it might work out first time. But even a tiny bit of investigation beforehand could save a lot of time and frustration!

The trick is to be prepared. You probably wouldn't go off to buy a new car and start by trawling around dealerships at random, you would already have an idea as to what sort of car you want ? how big, how fast, how much money you had to spend, and so forth. Based on these criteria you would have a good idea of which car showrooms to visit to find the right sort of vehicle for your particular needs. So the first question to ask yourself, is what do you want out of a dating site? Sounds obvious ? a date! But what sort of date? Are you looking for a serious relationship possibly leading to marriage? Or are you after a casual partner and you'll see where it leads? Or perhaps you just want some uncomplicated fun. The good news is that among the myriad of services out there on the web, there is something to cater for every requirement. Some sites will suit all tastes, but there are many that specialise, and the more specific you are about what you want, the better your chances of finding it.

Before looking at the sites on offer, think about how you will write your personal profile. Jot down a paragraph or two about yourself, your interests, and your hopes for a partner. Then write a few words about what you are looking for in a potential dating match. Doing this offline will help you structure in your own mind what sort of date you are looking for, and then when you go and look at some dating sites, you'll easily be able to pick out those that offer the best chance of providing what you want. The added benefit of course is that when it comes to filling in your profile online, you will be prepared and wont be sat in front of your screen lost for words. Instead your profile will read in a very natural and honest way.

I would always recommend choosing at least two sites to register with and put your profile on, after all, they are almost all free to start with ? you only need decide if you want to pay when and if someone of interest turns up and you want to make contact.

Websites like The Dating WebReview can also save you time. The reviews will quickly give you an idea about the services each dating site offers, and whether they specialise.

Choosing an internet dating site isn't difficult. In the end it comes down to finding one that you enjoy using. After all, if it appeals to your taste, then you already have something in common with the other members

The Magic of Flirting

The Magic of Flirting

Flirting is the way most people determine whether or not a member of the opposite sex is interested in them. Following is a quick outline on how you should go about the complex, sometimes fun, sometimes not so fun, task of flirting. It all beings with your approach.

The Approach

One person approaches the other. They move into closer physical proximity. This much is clear: NO approach equals NO possibility of initiating contact. You must approach!

Example: A woman sits down next to a man in a coffee shop, or a man stands near a woman in a dance club. This is the first step. Once you approach, you begin looking for the signs.

The Signs

The person who has been approached will always signal the other's presence in some way?a sign. This signal is not like a train whistle, however, more a subtle body language which you can learn to recognize. For example, he or she simply may look up, move over to make room, nod slightly, or signal with a glancing eye contact.

A display of total obliviousness to the one who is approaching generally indicates lack of interest altogether. Don't be discouraged. But if the one you approached shows absolutely no interest, then it's time to re-group and try again. But let's say the approach works. You have your positive acknowledgement, now what? Time to talk

The Verbal Exchange

The two people may then engage in a mild verbal exchange about impersonal, unimportant matters such as the weather or the scene around them. The key word here is MILD.

This is the classic place for the clever "line," but cleverness is not required. At this point, a verbal exchange is not for the purpose of sharing valuable insights about life or determining philosophical compatibility. It is just a vehicle to further the developing contact.

Examples: Verbal overtures might include anything from "please pass the pickles" to "your looking great tonight", to "have you seen the waitress?". Without some form of verbal response, it is highly unlikely that the next step will occur. Let's say all is going as planned. Time for body language.

Body Language

Over a period of time, a couple that has begun to talk may also begin to orient themselves physically to one another, to turn toward one another until, if all is goes well, they are fully facing one another. This is your goal.

This step can take minutes or hours . . . or weeks or months . . . to achieve. Yet, without this physical reorientation toward one another, not very much can ever happen, so give up on people who turn their back toward you for long periods of time! But if they don't?

Touching

The woman or the man (most often the woman) touches the other in a light, fleeting way. Examples: A couple might accidentally brush their hands against one another while reaching for a drink, or the woman might pat the man on the arm in the middle of a shared joke. The exchange of very subtle, almost glancing touches may continue for some while, and if all goes well, can escalate into the casual affections shown by couples who are dating. If you've reached this point, then flirting has now become the beginning of a relationship. The Art of Flirting should always end with the beginning of a relationship. Now get out there and flirt.

The Art of Flirting is really the Art of making first contact. You only have one shot at making a great first impression. By following some of the guidelines we've established in this article, you should now be equipped to locate, approach, and ascertain whether or not your subtle flirting has opened the doors to a new and exciting relationship.

By: Andre Leblanc